My ideal weight is five million dollars
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
