Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.