Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.