Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*