My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
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date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.