My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
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It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
THE DOG😭😭💀
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!