My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
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Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
gentlemen, hear me out
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
We have a winner.