My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
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Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.