Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.