my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok