Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.