Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.