My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
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Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.