My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
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Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
me opening up to someone
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt