My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
You Might Also Like
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I hate my earbuds.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
as is their right
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
What the hell happened here.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u