My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.