Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Can you solve the riddle??

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Fidel Castro was alive?

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

[the middle of showering] I need a break

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!