My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.