My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.