My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I bet birds love this building.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”