Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

uncle dave has been through hell

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too