My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.