My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
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Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!