My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
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when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page