My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro