My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
never forget
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
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