My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss