My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Oh my God.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Bike for sale
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
#SaturdayBears
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
