my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
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A friend sent me this.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Trying
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
trivia
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!