my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
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turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me: