My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
No. YOU-buprofen.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Never be a pizza!
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.