Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.