My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
This cat wants you to take your pills
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower