Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

termite twitter scares me

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.