My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.