My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
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[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich