My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
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To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute