My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
calling in to work dehydrated
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?