Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

Battery falling down a hole

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.