Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.