My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
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If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.