My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
