My inexpensive home security system…
![]()
You Might Also Like
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Put the is in disheveled
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw