My inexpensive home security system…
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a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊