Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys