Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

ㅤㅤ

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

*limbos away from your hug*

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

i have one speed and it’s mosey

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…