Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

i really liked this one

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

#JohnTravolta

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some