my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
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BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Help
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.