My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
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*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I used the label maker
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots