Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!