My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…