My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
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My apartment is a mess, I should move
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.