My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
#parenting
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Sir!!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.