My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
@ candidates for local office
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*