My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.