My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants