@JermHimselfish

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

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@krisv_723

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

@Glennot73

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

@shutupmikeginn

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

@fro_vo

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

@thenamesmikeG

The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I’m cured.

@SondraDeeMe

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

@chrisdowning

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

@Cheeseboy22

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

@BitchyJasmine

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.