A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
is this your card ?
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I’m cured.
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.