My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
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“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.