My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.