Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse