My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
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They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
always be there
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.