My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
technically true but not a great slogan
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?