My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
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My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
He-man has a Masters degree
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.