My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?