”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Google Pay be like:
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.