”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.