”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…