Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.