Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*