My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
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Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this