My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
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[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat