my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Good morning
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Wow 🤣
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!