Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.