My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
You Might Also Like
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I think they could have phrased this better
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
